His Blood On My Hands

Well, it looks like it's on. I am lucky enough to have a new boyfriend. He's agreed it's okay that I mention him and his status on here and, yes, as discussed before, he's not infected. It's weird to have that sense of the danger my blood and fluids present to him even though we both feel that urge to be totally close to one another. It's slightly odd that the issue isn't that I am HIV+ at all, that is so easily managed, but the issue is that he is not positive, and we both, obviously, want it to stay that way.

It's funny playing games around the idea, and leads to some very creative things, like playing with fake blood for photos bound to wind people up and we're finding some very fun ways to enjoy sex with that same sense of physical closeness without actual fluid tranfer through penetrative sex. We both know there are gambles we're taking here, and it really moves me enormously that he admits that itfrightens him (it frightens me, too) but that he's prepared to take that risk.

Of course, we minimise the risk, safe sex, not doing body fluid transfer, but still, every time I have la petite morte, there's a danger, however minimal, for those few moments before the virus dies outside of my body.

I have always minimised risk to negative partners since knowing my status and, apart from two possible moments where I took a moderate risk by fucking someone and not using a condom, I've not done the fluid sharing thing for many years now. Nevertheless, it's not felt so important to avoid fucking up as it feels now I so vehemently want to avoid infecting him. The sex is amazing, and I'm sure it's much helped by the months it's been since I've used recreational drugs other than nicotine and alcohol that I can feel so intensely with him, but I want to be so damned careful with him.

Logically, I know what risky behaviour consists of, but then I knew that before I caught it, so I'm clearly either not as well-informed as I thought or as disciplined about avoiding risk, which frightens me. I'll try to get an appointment with a health advisor when I go in to get my blood taken next week, perhaps, although they'll tell me nothing that the internet won't tell me, so perhaps I'll call THT and ask about information stuff to do with relationships with differential HIV statuses, but ultimately, I doubt a little booklet is going to be the prime mover for change.

Advice from anyone in a similar situation, on either side of the coin (heads or tails, got it or ain't) would be welcome, as I am finding this quite a strange experience and I don't want it to taint the situation.

Tags:
serodiscordance