Breathe in. Breathe out. Relax.

Within three years, it's very likely I would have an AIDS-defining illness, given the high viral load and plummeting CD4 count that I have, but as yet, I don't have any evidence of opportunistic infections, so there's no urgent need to be concerned about it.

Yes, my metabolism is elevated to the degree that it's going to be difficult for me to regain the weight I lost and I have to get my sheets washed with annoying regularity, but in the end I'm well at the moment and that's the thing to bear in mind. Sure, if this trajectory continues, I'll have to have the talk about combination therapy in the new year, but that's something to deal with as and when it comes up. Not really a great deal that I can do about that kind of thing either way.

One thing about being single again is that I can more comfortably disclose my status, which is something I had been wanting to do, but my then-partner was anxious about the effect it would have on the people around me, or that I would have to spend too much time dealing with their grief for my death, perhaps 40 years before it becomes likely.

What actually seems to happen, though, is that my friends deal with it just fine, make fun of me about it, or say that they're in the same boat, so there's no drama to suddenly contend with. The people about whom I do worry with this is my family. I am hoping to find the courage to tell my father when I visit him next week, and somehow I really do have to tell my mother, but I know it will be difficult for them both to take in as something that isn't the death sentence I'd grown up knowing it to be. I suppose it's like coming out as gay all over again, but we're a close family and it would be ridiculous to deny them access to knowledge of a major part of my life, particularly if it's something I want to become politically involved in at some point, but I know it will be hard to let them know.

Still, there's good news. My cholesterol level means I am going to have a lower risk of heart problems, contrary to previous advice and my dentist tells me there's no evidence whatsoever of opportunistic infection in my mouth, so there's nothing to worry about just yet. Also, I don't have CMV or toxoplasmosis in my system, like 50% of the population, so that's two fewer things to worry about.

Telling friends I'm cool with, if they're friends, they'll be okay with it. Telling work just isn't going to happen, because I'm freelance, so it would be very easy for people to decide not to book me rather than blatantly discriminate against me. I'm not actually protected by the change in law, except against my direct employer and that's me, so that's not really going to help a great deal, but I suppose it will help some other people.

I've told a few people recently, though, a guy who I have messed around with a few times and felt guilty for not disclosing now tells me he's in a serodiscordant relationship so serostatus isn't an issue. I think anyone who uses words like serodiscordant is probably good to know. I told another friend, who is a scientist, who then told me he can give me heaps of advice if I do start therapy, another friend just looked sad for me, but that's also allowed. I'm not a sci-fi superhero for the virus I carry within me, it's still not a good thing to be, so yes, sadness is an appropriate reaction when being told someone is positive.

But I can only be sad for myself for so long. After sadness comes defiance, resignation and anger, but all in good time. I have plenty.