There's This Guy...

It's interesting how you can tell yourself that HIV is just one of those things about which you shrug and get on with life, knowing that you've got it and, chances are, you always will have it, but the thought of passing it on terrifies me. I know a couple where one has it, one doesn't, and they don't use condoms most of the time. We had a threesome, you see, and it really disturbed me to watch them taking risks, but ultimately it's not my business to intervene. Or was it? I honestly don't know what the right thing to have done would have been.

Nothing I can do about it now, and I can't live other people's lives for them. Still, it was odd to see someone wanting to expose themselves to an illness just to show they cared for someone, or for whatever logic he wanted to apply. Either way, I wouldn't want to be the one who placed him at risk.

Serodiscordance in a relationship is something that would be a challenge for me. There's some way in which fluid exchange is considered a mark of trust and intimacy, that after a while of being together you make a joint decision to stop using condoms. That seems to be the pattern in gay relationships - and others - that I've had and have heard talk of. It's a way of showing your partner that you trust that they're not taking risks with anyone else; a way of building a degree of physical proximity without the barrier of a condom. I hadn't really thought about it until now it looks like I'm dating again. There's not any way I can really hope for that kind of symbolic act with someone who doesn't share my status, and even then, medical advice would be that I shouldn't bareback unless I know I have the same strain of HIV as my hypothetical partner.

This is assuming that monogamy is sought in a new relationship, which I would want.

When I have had sex with guys and not known their status since I've known mine, there've been a few times where I get a psychological block and can't reach orgasm if I'm doing something that is penetrative, particularly in the couple of instances where they and I've not had a conversation about status first. Of course, they then think I'm an amazing lay, going for hours, but it's fear that stops me from enjoying it, stops me from letting go.

I can only assume that the fear of transmission would be more acute within a relationship. My viral load's not insignificant and that plays on my mind. I'd be frightened for the health of a partner who wasn't infected and I'd also worry that there would be an element of pity in their attitude towards me. I'd hate to get ill and need looking after, but it's a very real prospect (for anyone, mind you) and I'd rather there wasn't that worry.

But, of course, love doesn't come with an antibody detector built in, and I would like to think I couldn't stop myself from falling for someone just because of differential HIV statuses.


Tags:
Serodiscordance, Romance,HIV,Safer Sex