Strains of HIV Infection

Medical research seems to indicate that HIV seems to have mutated since its original incarnation as a mere human immunodeficiency virus that sometimes later becomes a sydrome in which the acquired immune system becomes deficient, but now has changed into a whole range of different strains.

Type 1 Infection: Fuck-It HIV.

This type of HIV infection is characterised by spending 12 hours in a row dancing in nightclubs. Night Sweats very heavy, but more to do with drug use than anything from The AIDS. Rates of concurrent infection with various STIs are very high, as are degradation of the septum and the rate of IQ loss tends to be more rapidly obvious than any change in CD4 count. Impotence very common, but it's normal to take drugs to counter the effects of drugs you've already taken if you have this type of HIV. Transmission rates very high, levels of guilt very low, on the grounds that anyone having sex ever should know that men with FIHIV fuck around like maniacs, so it's their problem.


Type 2 Infection: Holland and Barratt HIV.

At point of diagnosis, HABHIV patients immediately stop smoking, drinking, drug use and burgers. Common symptoms include cycling to work all the time, taking more multivitamin tablets than they'll ever take on combination therapy, no carbs after six, no McDonalds food, Molton Brown eye balm every day and an annoying propensity to start thinking everyone, irrespective of their health, should live according to their ridiculous diet plan and should feel guilt and angst for eating tomatoes. Looking after yourself is healthy, kids. Body dysmorphia is not.