The Trouble With Sleeping Around

No, I don't mean like that, I think we all know the kind of issues that sort of thing entails, right? I'm talking more about one of the more annoying factors of always having a virus - not just the fact that you get times when you feel cruelly post-viral, when really you're never going to be post- this virus unless something pretty radical changes in the next few years - but also the sweating. HIV causes fever, particularly in the early stages and during periods of CD4 degradation or when a concurrent infection surfaces.

I'm not going to panic that my CD4 count is in freefall until I'm actually ill in a way that would give me cause for genuine concern, and my concern then would be more to do with time away from work and the financial implications this would have for me than for the concerns about health. Well, at least I say that now, I guarantee at the time I will be utterly terrified that death looms over me.

The Night Sweats are something I've had on and off since last Summer. I should have put two and two together and come up with HIV at the time, but I think I was too busy living the big gay lifestyle holiday from reality, burying myself in the party culture and attributing all these symptoms to overdoing it, which they could easily have been - night sweating is also associated with drug and alcohol use, consumption of spicy foods, eating too late at night and also having a big boyfriend who holds you at night.

I don't have any of those excuses any more, and I can't say I don't miss the comfort of a loved one's arms at night, but at the moment I just couldn't face the embarrassment of sleeping, I mean actually sleeping, with someone because I just don't know how badly I'm going to sweat. I should buy myself cotton pyjamas, a light blanket and consider a fan or something for my room, an open window lets in too much noise at night living here, but moving flat has wiped me out financially, so at the moment I just put up with it, but sooner or later it's going to be a real issue for me, I think.

Tomorrow, I'm going to stay with a friend of mine and his pregnant partner, neither of whom know my HIV status and with less than 24 hours until I see them, I'm getting a bit anxious about staying there. I mean, if the moment isn't right to disclose my status - they'll be too wrapped up in the joy of their child for it to feel right for me to say, but if I don't say and it's pretty damned obvious I've got some kind of flu virus, it looks really insensitive of me to expose a pregnant woman to that risk.

In a week's time, a friend was meant to be staying with me for the weekend, then another friend is staying for the main part of a week. There's only one bed in my place and I really don't mind sharing a bed with friends normally, but I felt so uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping next to the first friend I've found excuses for him to stay elsewhere. It's worked out fine, though 'cause he has a new boyfriend and it would be odd for him to share a bed with anyone but him anyway.

I just don't feel comfortable with that kind of admission of weakness. Horrible thing to find myself saying, but I think with this, I know I manage to put a smile on the faces of most people by the end of the disclosure conversation by making jokes, drawing stupid cartoons and assuring everyone there really isn't much to be actually concerned about right now, so allowing people to see that there are actually some symptoms associated with the disease is something I do actually mind at the moment.

Living alone, no-one needs to see me in bed by ten every night so I'm awake in the morning for the gym, no-one feels me sweating throughout the night, no-one need see that anything's changed at all, other than all the weight loss, the healthy living and the endless comedy.

I'm looking forward to having my best friend stay here, though. Will be good to know that there's someone to whom this all needs no explaining, that there's no anxiety he'll think any less of me for any of it.

Still, it's good inasmuch as it's helping me avoid falling into the easy trap of bringing someone into my life to fill the gap that's left by breaking up and it's keeping me away from some of the fuck-and-run scenarios I could easily find myself in otherwise. At the moment, I just don't like the idea of that kind of intimacy with anyone. Got too much of my own thing to work out before even starting to think I might have something to offer anyone else.

Actually, that sounds quite bleak - what I mean is that I just want to enjoy being on top of things by myself for a while and I'm loving not having to feel obliged to get involved in anything at the moment. Life's an adventure at the moment and I am really, really enjoying that. Let's just hope I can sort out the sweats over the weekend and not scare the mum-to-be.