Round Two

Well, seemingly I spoke too soon about sex with other positive guys being less complicated and wound up in the clinic getting antibiotic jabs. I guess that's just another indication that nothing's changed. I also picked up my new viral load count, but they lost my CD4 count. I did jokingly ask the doctor if that meant I had a CD4 count of zero, but they took the blood again. It seems I've spent the main part of the last few months with tracklines on my arms from one blood test or another. My viral load is now 41,000 or something, which rather throws my hopes that I was such a recent infection that my viral load was going to get lower.

I didn't really want to think about it at the time, but it could be an anomalous result because, as the doctor said, I had a concurrent infection. It's slightly daunting to think that every time I get ill, it will be with a concurrent infection. Just another reminder that I carry a spreadable disease.

I guess that's the rub with HIV. There's all the drama and the novelty of the initial infection, then there's just this gnawing constant because it will never go away. Any infection from now until the day I die remains a concurrent infection. That's a deeply unpleasant thought, although one to keep in perspective. Having a lower viral load isn't some kind of contest, there's no moral weight attached to being less infectious. It's not like there's some correlation between your numbers and the circle of hell to which you will descend.

I know, intellectually, that it's a minor fluctuation in the scores, and likely one to do with the concurrent infection I had at the time, but I can't help but shake the feeling that, oh, God, it's double what it was. I'm twice as infectious as I was when I was diagnosed.

I suppose it would pay to keep that in mind when I start to get complacent or whenever anyone thinks to convince me of the merits of barebacking.