Inverted Pride

Hm. My partner's viral load is much, much lower than mine. I know what the mathematics of that implies in terms of our relative positions on graphs and such like, but I don't want to dwell on it. Instead, I'll just have to remain extra cautious because of just how infectious I am in comparison.

While I'm not going to start saying being infectious is either cool or the end of the world, what I am going to say is that I'm realising now that the worst things about being HIV positive are nothing to do with your health. Aside from the countries you'd stop someone from visiting if you infected them, you're costing the state a phenomenal amount of money in terms of health care once combination therapy begins and you're forcing someone to live with what must be the most stigmatised illness of our era. Having HIV to many people still seems like being a leper. There's an enormous pressure to disclose verbally your HIV status so people (who, "assume everyone's positive" apparently) know for sure that a mistake means risking seroconversion - what am I meant to do, turn up at a sex party ringing a bell to let everyone know that I'm the fuckup who caught this thing and I'm the fuckup who can give them this Peter Pan disease where you'll never grow old...

I'd like to see a profile somewhere on gaydar that doesn't say, "Positive in body and mind," or "HIV+ and if you've got a problem with that, it's your problem," or whatever. Why aren't there profiles that say, "I'm HIV+ and I fucking hate being positive - I really, honestly wish I did not have this condition and it's phenomenally depressing to know how dangerous I am."

I'm not happy or sorted about being infected with HIV. The thought that something has wormed its way into my bloodstream, into my brain, and is slowly shutting down my defenses against illness is a horrible, stomach-churning thought.

My partner shrugs and says there's nothing he can do about it so he's not going to worry about it, but I can't help but feel I need to grieve for this and that I need to feel entitled to the sense of anger, resentment, frustration and loss that I am experiencing without that sounding like I'm a failure.

Testing positive has had a profoundly damaging effect on my self-esteem which, like that of most gay men, is very tied to my feelings about my body and the consequences of that have spilled out into my friendships and my relationship. I don't feel I can spend considerable time with people who don't know my HIV status and feel that I am honest, I don't feel I can go out and fuck around without feeling like we should all stand in a circle holding hands and singing, "Ring, a-ring of roses..." together until we all fall down.

It's painful to think that there might be people who I have infected. I can only hope that if I have unknowingly passed it on, then those men are better-equipped than I am to cope with the emotional cancer that accompanies it all.