Enough Looking Back

I'm sure the back story is something you can guess. I've had a couple of weeks of agitation since my diagnosis, I've received my CD4 count and Viral Load results, which would indicate that I'm only relatively recently infected, so we need to test regularly to see where my baseline figures lie. I've told a few of my friends, been enormously supported by them and my lover, regretted telling only one person who was upset by it. I've learned an awful lot from my friends, I've had sex and done SM and managed not to feel too guilty or poisonous while doing it or afterwards, although I did wonder if I had deliberately thrown myself back into that pattern as a way of denying what had happened to me. Bleeding after being flogged was a strange, painful catharsis, and the man who did it to me was an angel and by the end of the evening I'd lost a lot of my fears, not only about the venom I carry in my system, but also I'd been able to examine my fear of my skin being broken, of letting go of my pride in public.

My boyfriend also tested positive. In some ways, it's a relief, because having different diagnoses would have made sex and the relationship so difficult, but at the same time, it's hard because it means one of us brought the illness into our relationship and, as such, we have to try to avoid thinking about where it came from, who fucked up, who infected whom, all that.I told the person who I'd had sex with who'd initiated the whole need to check and his reaction was also good. I'd worried he might blame me for putting him at risk, however infinitely small, but he was also a star. A few friends, a few lovers know now, but not my family. Not yet, anyway, although I've reason to think they may suspect.

Tch. I'd said I wouldn't dwell on the back story and there's me telling you all of this. Where's my head at now? I don't know, to be honest. For the main part, life continues as normal and I'm fit and healthy - as I should be when I go to the gym a lot and my CD4 count is 527, looking forward to going on holiday in a couple of weeks, slightly nervous about having my photo taken by a friend this weekend, looking at myself in the mirror too much, getting my hair cut.

In short, life is normal. About the only shift is that when I feel low, I have a hook to hang it on. I was out in a club on Sunday morning and couldn't get into the swing of it, so I started to people watch and noticed the number of people who appeared to be on antiretrovirals by the distribution of their body fat, or the number of people on roids or using drugs. Kind of disturbing to play those games, really.

I've got my first doctor's appointment at the clinic to talk through the results in some detail. I don't know what to expect, really, I'm assuming it will be somehting about which I'll get very nervous beforehand and then when it comes to it, the appointment itself will be pretty straightforward and practical. I'll keep you posted.