No, I'm not about to die or anything, just that, well, I broke up with my partner of five years last week. I suppose it was something that's been brewing for a while, but I do find myself wondering to what extent the current period of self-analysis is a result of the diagnosis, whereby knowing that life won't last forever, suddenly I become a whole lot more demanding about the type of life I want.
Obviously, this throws up some more challenges and issues for me, but I don't think that many of them are actually in any way related to my diagnosis. Sure, there's a guy who I've had sex with a couple of times, so thought it wise to bring it up in case it looked like things would go any further and, of course, his status is the same as mine, he goes to the same clinic, sees the same doctor sometimes and we sat and had a pleasant chat over coffee about his adventures with HIV and mine.
It's funny how, three months ago, when I was asked, "How would you react to a positive result?" the actual answer would be that I would reflect on my position in life, make several moves to improve my way of living, I'd lose weight, get fit, negotiate a pay rise with my employers, make a start on writing with intent to publish, take a chance on ending a relationship and start to live on my own and actually feel far more in control of my life than I have in years.
Who'd have thought it?
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
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